HOW-2 Meet Women: The Shy Man's Guide To Relationships is a book
for every man who has ever felt a lump in his throat when he approached
a woman. It is for the socially inept and the lonely. It is for the
man who wants to change his luck with women - and turn his life around.
It is for every guy who believes in self-improvement.
A: Credentials? We don' need no steenking credentials.
Actually, my writing credits include a file encryption article in
"Electronic Design" magazine, in addition to the "Advanced
Bash-Scripting Guide" and "Software-Building and Installation HOWTO"
for the Linux Documentation Project. A long, long shy bachelorhood,
during which I made every misstep described in the book, not to mention
countless others, certifies me as a Grand Master, Magister, and Mentor
of dating and relationships.
A: The book needed to be written. There was nothing much available for
specifically helping a shy man find a girlfriend. I wrote the very book
I so desperately needed at age 21, a down-to-earth guide to relating
to women. The result is what I consider a benchmark in the literature,
something every subsequent book on forming relationships will have to
match to be taken seriously.
A: Several readers have informed me that the book helped them find a
long-term relationship. Quite a number of others told me that reading
it made sense of their dating and relationship experiences. This means
it's changing the world for the better, if only a teeny bit. How many
money-making bestsellers can claim as much?
A: No more so than the usual psychologizing. The book emphasizes the
practical skills needed to interact with women. Only a bare minimum of
underlying theory is necessary. This book is based on the not-so-unlikely
premise that a functional relationship with a woman is as intricate and
awe-inspiring a structure as, say, a well-designed suspension bridge or
an elegant digital logic circuit. It follows that the skills necessary
to create and sustain such a liaison can be codified and taught in
bite-sized chunks. I've said precisely that in the afterword of the book.
A: A man lacks a roof over his head. What does he need more - some
loose boards, a keg of nails, and a hammer . . . or a lecture on the
principles of architecture?
A: Beyond causing the obvious difficulties in making friends and
forming romantic attachments, shyness impacts career and social
mobility. Shyness can lead to depression and despair. It can feed into
feelings of inferiority, and make it difficult to handle even the most
mundane social interactions. All the same, shyness is not a disease or
a defect. It is a character trait, and a perfectly acceptable one at
that. Shyness is far less annoying than such mannerisms as excessive
talkativeness, pettiness, or being overly fastidious.
A: Psychologists have of late created imaginative new categories for
all manners of perceived social disabilities. There is even a name for
what is allegedly behind social ineptness and having difficulty relating
to others - "dyssemia". It means the inability to interpret non-verbal
cues. Young children can receive treatment for this, and adults with the
"disorder" have the options of paying for expensive therapy and expensive
drugs or . . . buying expensive self-help books.
A: Can the relationship game be all that much more complex than, say,
hacking the Linux kernel <grin>? Seriously, the book is intended
as an inspiration, a springboard toward what will be a lifetime job of
learning social skills.
A: I've received reports of this very thing happening. It is certainly
best not to proceed too fast on the program outlined in HMW, not to skip
ahead to the "interesting" parts. One step at a time. Learn to
deal with the causes of your own loneliness and to develop "people
skills," to interrelate with other persons in ordinary social
settings. You likewise need enough self-confidence to be able to make a
fool of yourself, to fumble around, to blunder, to learn from mistakes,
to fall down and get back up. Only then will you be prepared for the
the complexities and responsibilities, for the pain and the pleasure,
for the wild ride of having a girlfriend.
Shy guy, there's no need to rush. It took all your life to get where you
are now, and a few more months of preparation is no great price to pay
so that when you finally do get in a relationship, you get it right.
For right now, explain to the woman that the ad puts forward your
expressive, poetic side, but that the rest of you can't quite cope with
a real live woman in a real live relationship. Tell her that for the
moment, all you can handle is friendship.
A: Those fortunate ones seemingly born with social skills tend to take
them for granted, and their proficiency in dealing with their fellow
humans reaches a plateau and levels out by adulthood. In other words,
they stop learning after a certain point. Shy men, motivated by necessity,
are all too conscious of the need to continue honing their skills, and
they might well make a lifetime project out of this. (The methodical
tortoise wins the race after the rabbit runs out of steam.)
A: Putting shy men on a more even footing in the competition for lovers
and mates can, in the long run, only improve the genetic heritage of
the human race. (Shy people seem to be more intelligent on average
than garrulous extroverts.) In an objective sense, this is part of the
evolutionary arms race between predators and decent people, and any step
taken toward equalizing matters is a blow for civilization.
A: I targeted HOW-2 Meet Women at single males, from 16 on
up. Though there is nothing in the book that would offend the average
12-year-old, it does require a certain level of emotional maturity to
benefit from its teachings.
A: Certainly. Women seem quite good at forming discussion and support
groups for their social problems, and it's time men learned from
them. Sharing the knowledge with others will improve the general dating
environment for all shy intelligent men. Hopefully, the methodology
set forth in the book will help lower the payoff for manipulation and
nastiness in relationships.
A: I have, as it happens, been asked to write just such a book, but
have no plans to do so. Certain male writers, such as John Varley,
can get into a woman's mind and write from the female point of view. I,
unfortunately, seem to lack that particular talent.
Much of the content of HOW-2 Meet Women is gender neutral, and
the advice for men mostly applies to women as well. Quite a number of
women have, in fact, praised the book. I would certainly like women to
read it, if only to familiarize themselves with seduction techniques in
order to become more resistant to manipulation. If the book accomplishes
nothing else, I hope it raises standards in the way men and women relate
to each other.
A: It would be totally superfluous. An inexperienced shy man would learn
little of any importance from a sex manual, in any case. Becoming a
skilled lover is mostly a matter of experience. All it takes is patience,
attention to the woman's feelings and needs, and a bit of imagination.
A: Yes, I attack predators of both sexes in the book, and in the process
of revealing some of their dirty little secrets, but this hardly calls
for an apology.
I likewise come down hard on "games-playing," and particularly
on the women who practice this destructive behavior. In an ideal world,
all the games-playing, manipulative women would end up with their male
counterparts, and they could make a career of tormenting each other. In
our own imperfect world, the best I can do is give decent men fair
warning, so they know which types of women to avoid.
The case of the beautiful people is a bit
more complex. Yes, my feelings toward this group lie somewhere between
massive indifference and cosmic contempt. I certainly counsel shy men,
for their own good, to stay away from this particular crowd. Why? Look
at history. The Roaring Twenties had its own version of the "beautiful
people", the flappers. These hedonists danced the night away, oblivious
to the danger signals around them. The first high wind that came along,
the Depression, blew them away. Our current crop of beautiful people
and celeb-wannabes will most likely fare no better in coming times.
What would any self-respecting shy man want with this bunch of losers?
The author of HOW-2 Meet Women has graciously consented to answer
a few questions about himself and the book.
Q: What are your credentials for writing a book of this nature?
I had to take Intro to Psychology twice to learn what makes dogs
salivate, but was still clueless about human motivations. I
subsequently obtained an advanced degree in Living-Day-To-Day
Technology from the School of Hard Knocks, and that absolutely
qualifies me to make authoritative-sounding pronouncements about
Happiness, Fulfillment, and The Meaning Of Life.
Q: So, why did you write this particular book?
Q: What do you find most gratifying about readers' response to the book?
Q: Isn't it a bit unusual to use a technical/engineering approach in a
self-help book?
Q: You don't seem to have much respect for psychology in the book, and you
favor practical advice over theory.
Q: How are shy people handicapped in our society?
Q: What can a shy person do about it? How about seeking professional
help?
Q: Is it reasonable to assert that an awkward, socially inept nerd
can actually develop people skills to the point of being successful in
attracting women just by reading a book? (Pardon my skepticism.)
Q: What if a shy, socially inept man uses the techniques in the book to
get a woman interested in him, but doesn't know what to do next? Suppose,
for example, that I meet a woman, using one of the personal ad templates
in chapter 7, but I'm not ready yet, and all of a
sudden I'm in over my head. She's blown away by the ad, and wants to get
to know me, but just the thought of going forward from here makes me break
out into a cold sweat. I'm nervous, tongue-tied, and frankly terrified.
Q: How can a shy man, even one who has acquired a fairly good set of
social skills, compete with those who have been endowed with a natural
talent for social interaction?
Q: Isn't society based on a natural balance between "winners"
and "losers"? If enough shy people learn to socialize, won't this throw
things out of kilter and let loose chaos?
Q: What age groups is the book appropriate for?
Q: Should readers of the book discuss it with their friends?
Q: There is certainly a need for a companion volume to help shy women
meet men. Do you have any plans to write anything of this nature?
Q: Why is there no mention of the actual mechanics of sex in the book?
Q: You're harshly critical of certain groups. Doesn't this reveal a certain
bias?
In the aftermath of the tragic events of September 11, 2001, it has become
increasingly clear that social parasites are a luxury we can no longer afford.
The "beautiful people" are not just passé and uncool, they are
a dead weight and a burden on the rest of us.
A: Predators give all of us a bad name. They make decent men ashamed to
be part of the same species, much less the same sex. These sleazeballs
are the dark underside of the human condition, the gangrene that infects
a culture adoring money and power, the crawling things that slither
out from under a rock.
Predators despoil and ruin. They destroy lives. They use and manipulate a
woman's nobler instincts, her kindness and compassion, her trust.
As individuals, these fine specimens of humanity are anything but
remarkable. The typical predator is shallow, usually lacking talent at
anything not involving using and manipulating people. He is unstable,
impatient, driven by immediate need, controlled by self-gratification,
incapable of commitment. Very skilled at seducing women, he fails at
long-term relationships. He invokes a magic beyond his control, creates
unrealized and unrealizable expectations, disappoints, then leaves behind
him pain and the bitter taste of regret. His is the reverse Midas Touch,
the power to transform gold into garbage.
All their temporary "conquests" fail to mitigate their profound
loneliness, the pus-seeping wound at their center. They burn out early,
these worshipers of perpetual youth and unlimited second chances. By
their 30's and 40's, used-up, divorced, groaning under child-support
payments, losing their looks, laughed at by younger women, they wonder
why they have been cheated, why life has left them behind.
A: Predators have (at least) two things in common with gangrene. They're
a dangerous infection, and they smell of death.
Q: Why do you come down so hard on predators? What business of yours is it how
other men treat women?
Q: Gangrene? Isn't that a bit strong?
. . . your wives, your daughters, Your matrons and your maids, could not fill up The cistern of my lust . . . |
A: "Neurolinguistic Programming" falls in the category of pseudo-science, and is perilously close to quackery. It is not much more than a catchall phrase for a set of techniques practiced by used-car salesmen. As for the utility of NLP for improving one's social life . . . the question naturally comes to mind as to why a skilled manipulator would waste his time seducing vulnerable women when he could amass wealth, start a religion, become famous, make his mark on history.
Just as a leopard cannot change his spots, likewise an introverted
shy man cannot overnight be magically transformed into an extrovert,
a person who can confidently wield the powers of persuasion. NLP is
about as useful to the readers of this book as a bicycle is to a fish.
Q: What do you have against bars and singles clubs?
A: "Pickup joints" are a zero-sum game. This means there
are winners and losers, and you, as a shy man, fit very neatly in the
"loser" category. If you get the feeling in a singles club that you
are out of place, unwanted, looked down upon, laughed at . . . trust
your instincts. Turn around and walk out the door.
Q: Why are there so few women willing to be patient and nurturing with
a shy, nervous, tongue-tied man?
A: This is the counterpart of the question women ask, "Why are there so
few good men?" In both cases the answer is the same. They are out there,
you just have to look in the right places.
Q: Does the book reveal the secrets that have worked so well for Don
Juans and Casanovas through the ages?
A: These so-called secrets of seducers are nothing more than attuning
one's self to a woman's feelings, needs and desires: listening and telling her
what she want to hear and leaving to her own imagination the rest.
A sense of timing and a feel for subtlety help, too.
Q: So, it's just a matter then of common sense and an intuitive knowledge
of human nature?
A: Nothing more.