A:
A combination of strategies works best for most men. Go ahead and place
ads, but by all means avail yourself of the other opportunities as well.
You'll soon find what works best for you and in which social settings
you are most comfortable.
Q:
Does all of this mean that getting a girlfriend is hard work?
A:
Just so. Finding a woman requires planning, determination, and sheer effort.
Think of it as a full-time job, which is not to say that it can't be fun, too.
Q:
Is it really necessary to faithfully follow all the steps in the program
set forth in HOW-2 Meet Women? Can't I just skip the painful and
time-consuming self-analysis and jump ahead to the interesting parts?
A:
As with any endeavor, what you get out of it is directly proportional to the
amount of work you put in. The greater the effort, the greater the return.
Q:
Aren't there any shortcuts to proficiency in social skills? I know guys who
seem to have been born with the knack of getting along with people, fitting
into most any group, and "making it" with women. What do they have that I
don't?
A:
True, some are lucky enough to have developed social adeptness at an early
age and seem to have an inborn talent for interacting with people. For
the rest of us, social skills must be considered as just that, a set
of skills to be learned and practiced, bit by bit, slowly and
painfully, a craft to be mastered. It may take years, but even a total
social "klutz" can get to the point where he is fairly comfortable among
strangers, and he might even discover a hidden talent for mesmerizing
at least a few of the women he meets.
Q:
I'm so desperately shy that I usually can't even work up enough courage to
approach any stranger, much less a woman I'd like to meet. Maybe
I'm just not far enough along in my social development to benefit from
the advice in "HOW-2 Meet Women". Where can I find help?
A: Quite a number of books claim to help painfully shy people overcome their social handicaps, and some persons can be helped by counseling and therapy (assuming they can afford it). At some point, you may be ready to try desensitizing yourself to the terrors of meeting people by accepting the challenge of situations where you initiate contacts with strangers. You have a long and difficult journey ahead, and it will severely test your determination and strength of character. Good luck.
The resources appendix
contains a listing of recommended books and websites for shy people.
Q:
Do I really stand a chance, competing for a girlfriend against all the highly
skilled seduction artists out there?
A: As a shy man, your main disadvantage is lack of self-confidence. This you can overcome in time.
Now, consider some of the problems "seduction artists" have to contend with.
A: You'll . . . learn to live with yourself, by yourself. Embrace your loneliness. You're not ready for a relationship yet.
There are so many other ways to find satisfaction in life outside a relationship. Achieve professional recognition. Set up a business. Do volunteer service at a nursing home. Learn to appreciate fine literature and classical music. Learn to play a musical instrument. Go camping out in the woods. Climb a mountain. Restore an old house. Become a gourmet cook. Learn a foreign language. Learn a computer language. Make friends with your neighbors. Get to know your aunts and uncles and nephews and nieces and cousins.
You need to seek and find . . . yourself before you can find others.
A:
Lack of experience. Lack of self-confidence. Fear of rejection.
Freezing up is an all too natural human response in situations where
you're tense and anxious, afraid to do the wrong things, make a fool of
yourself, and bollix things up. An essential part of your education is
learning to stay cool under pressure.
Practice helps, too. Every chance you get, talk to women, women at work,
women in the neighborhood, women at the laundromat, any women. Desensitize
yourself to the anxiety of talking to women. It's no big deal.
Q:
I'm not ordinarily a shy person, but when I see a woman I'd like to meet, I
freeze up and don't know how to act or what to say.
Q:
"HOW-2 Meet Women" wants me to lower my standards! You expect me to
go out with a woman who is too old, too fat, or just plain too damn
ugly? Gimme a break, dude.
A: Not so fast, bucko. HMW encourages you to raise your standards. In the strongest possible terms, it advises rejecting women not meeting the standards of common decency and simple humanity. This book teaches how to recognize and avoid malicious, cruel, twisted, untrustworthy, morally damaged, corrupted and spiritually diseased women. You learn to distinguish the essential (character) from the superficial (appearance). You come to realize that what you are looking for is a woman capable of loving you and worthy of being loved by you, and that you will not settle for less. |
A:
Mr. Goody Two-Shoes replies to Mr. Wannabe Seducer that this book is for
grownups. If and when you finally grow up, Mr. Wannabe, and you should
only live so long, it might just dawn on you that being an ethical human
being, treating others with respect and accepting nothing less in return -
all this makes you a stronger person, one more effective in establishing
and sustaining relationships, and, in fact, with a greater prospect of
success in all aspects of life.
Q:
Are you implying that there is something wrong with me if I want
to sleep with and possess all the women I can get?
A:
Yes, profoundly wrong. You will never be at peace with yourself, never
find a balance point, never quiet the screaming inside you, never manage
to fill the emptiness. You will never amount to very much in the greater
scheme of things. You are deeply flawed, a catastrophic failure as a human
being.
Q:
Where do I find a good sex manual?
A:
You won't find it here, dude. As it happens, whatever you might learn from
a sex manual would be pretty much irrelevant to forming and maintaining
a relationship.
Q:
When I go to a dance or a party along with friends, I'm much
less fearful and nervous, but it sure does complicate the business of
meeting women. Is there any help for this?
A:
As comforting as it may be to have your good buddies at your side, they
become a major liability when you want to approach a woman. Go out with
your friends to have a good time, but venture forth alone to meet women.
Q:
I'm a mess. Why would any woman want to bother with me?
A: If you enjoy wallowing in self-pity, you are hardly fit for any kind of relationship. People sense your inner pain, your feelings of worthlessness, and for the most part find it distressing, even repellent. When you're finally ready to pull yourself together, then you can take measures to remedy your situation, and your state of mind will improve dramatically.
Rest assured that there are all too many women who feel as badly about
themselves as you do. Perhaps when you have gained some skill at
solving your own problems, you can use your expertise to help one of
these unfortunates.
Q:
I've been turned down by so many women for dates because I'm not tall
and handsome. Help!
A: It is unfortunately true that some women will not go out with a man who is too . . . short, fat, young, old, ugly, whatever. These women lack certain essential human qualities - depth of character, common sense, maturity, compassion. Such women all too often end up hooked up with a good-looking, brain-damaged abuser.
Keep searching, and you'll find a compassionate, intelligent woman who
values you for your own personal qualities, a woman who has learned to
distinguish the fundamental from the superficial, a woman truly worthy
of you.
Q:
I think I'm a pretty good guy, and my friends tell me I'd be an ideal
'catch' for any woman. So why do I have so much trouble getting a date?
A:
You may be looking in the wrong places. It sounds as if the women in your
immediate surroundings might not be particularly suitable for you. Perhaps
they are too young, too superficial, or just on a different wavelength. A
more mature woman, one with some depth and life experience, would more
likely appreciate what you have to offer. Consider, then, being a bit
more flexible in your selection criteria. Give priority to personality
and mutual compatibility, rather than how good she looks on your arm.
A: It takes time . . . months, often a year or more. You have suffered a heavy loss and need to grieve.
Later, perhaps much later, you will find someone else. A new relationship
is the best antidote to the pain of a broken one.
Q:
I'm 48 years old and newly divorced. How do I reenter the dating game?
A:
Cautiously, and with no particular sense of urgency. Considering your
level of experience and maturity, you should have few problems meeting
eligible women in the 35 - 55 year-old range. The difficulty comes if
you make a fool of yourself chasing after much younger "trophy"
girlfriends, but you've outgrown that (haven't you?).
Q:
I'm 15 years old. How do I enter the dating game?
A:
Cautiously, and with no particular sense of urgency. At your age,
it's all about making mistakes and learning from them. Don't take
rejection personally (no one is keeping score). Look for a girl who is
an "outsider", just like you.
Q:
How do I get the phone number of a woman I'd like to know better?
A: Of course, there is always the telephone book, but the point is to get her to voluntarily give you the number. She needs to get to know you well enough to trust you before she can feel comfortable giving you an entry into her life.
In the earliest stages of a hoped-for relationship, you can only be
friendly, kind, supportive, and, most important, trustworthy. Don't
push her for a phone number or, for that matter, any other personal
information until she indicates that she is ready. When she wants to
know more about you, then she will be more than willing to share
details about herself.
Q:
How do I get a woman to call me? I'm too shy to make the first call myself.
A: This problem reduces to three subtasks.
A: Time for some personal growth. You may not yet be ready for a relationship. First, you need to get to the point that you are comfortable in a woman's company. Then, learn to communicate with her, so you can find out what the two of you have in common, what interests you share.
Be totally upfront and honest with the woman who responded to your
ad. Let her know that you are a rank beginner at this sort of thing,
and that she will have to take the lead here. If you are lucky, she will
turn out to be a patient and compassionate teacher.
Q:
I've known this woman for a short while, and we've even talked on the phone
several times. I think she likes me, but how can I be sure?
A:
At this point, you can't. Asking her straight out about her
feelings could be premature. She might not even be sure of her feelings
for you yet. "Testing" her or playing "mind games" would almost certainly
offend her and ruin any chances you have. Be patient, and let things
develop at their own speed. You might send her a humorous card or buy
her an inexpensive trinket to show how much your value her friendship.
Q:
I have known a certain woman for quite some time now, and we are very good
friends. We can talk about almost everything and have shared fun times
and much laughter. At this point, I would like us to become more than just
friends. I want to get much closer to her. What's the best strategy?
A:
Don't press the issue. If ever she becomes interested in you in a
romantic sense, she'll definitely let you know it. Due to the dynamics
of the situation, you absolutely should wait for her to make the first
move toward greater intimacy. An option you have is to make yourself
just a bit less available to her. She may or may not take the hint, but
in any case there is no need to let your impatience or impulsiveness spoil
a beautiful friendship.
Q:
Should I bring my date flowers?
A:
It's considered "old fashioned" to show up at her door with a bouquet
of flowers, but it could easily earn you a warm kiss, or at the very
least a radiant smile. Little courtesies such as this show respect and
give her something to remember you by the morning after.
Q:
This is only the second date and I'm just getting to know the woman,
when she hits me with all these personal questions like how I
feel about marriage and children, what plans I've made for my career,
and whether I believe in commitment. What's the deal?
A: So, subtlety is not her "strong suit". Could you live with that? Obviously, she has some feelings for you (or designs on you) already, or she would not have taken the risk of asking personal questions. You can consider it an intrusion or a compliment, as you choose. Consider, also, that she has given you an opening to ask personal questions about her.
Alternately, you could simply tell her, "Miranda, I like you a lot,
but I'm just not ready for this yet. We need to get to know each other
better before I'd feel comfortable letting down the shields totally and
delving much more deeply into our personal affairs."
Q:
I value my privacy, but my new girlfriend is beginning to ask questions about
my personal life. How do I handle it without offending her?
A: "Cecilia, I understand and respect your need to know more about me. You feel vulnerable, or maybe worried about wasting your time with a potentially unsuitable partner.
"Let me reassure you that I'm not a jerk. You can trust your
instincts about that. Understand, though, that at this early stage
of our relationship, discussing the intimate details of my life feels
intrusive. If and when we get to know each other a little better - and
let's do so the traditional way, in small steps, slowly - then you'll
find most or all your questions answered in the natural progression
of things."
Q:
At what point in the relationship do we hold hands? When are we
expected to kiss?
A:
When she's ready. Usually, by the second or third (or sometimes
twentieth) date, if she likes you more than a little, if she is starting
to get the "warm fuzzies" for you, then touching and physical displays
of affection come about spontaneously, without planning or forethought.
Q:
I'm inexperienced. I've never even kissed a woman and I'm afraid to try. At
some point, I guess it'll be expected of me. How do I go about learning to
kiss?
A: Kiss softly, not sloppily. Match the pressure of her lips on yours. Let the woman set the pace and teach you.
Be honest with her. Let her know you need some "handholding"
in this matter. If she has good feeling about you, she'll be glad to
show you the way.
Q:
I've had a long-distance relationship with this woman for some time
now. We're finally ready to meet in person, and frankly I'm terrified.
A:
If the two of you can get past those first few awkward moments, things
will probably work out. As you get off the plane, wave jauntily, hurry
toward her, press into her hands that silly stuffed bear you bought in
the gift shop, and give her a warm hug. "My gosh, it's good to see you
finally, Mary Alice. Let's get out of this horrible place so we can sit
down and talk."
Q:
I hear about finding girlfriends on the Internet all the time. Why doesn't it
work for me?
A:
The Internet, with all its associated high-tech gimmickry, with its
e-mail and Instant Messaging, all this does indeed facilitate sending
words and pictures back and forth. Unfortunately, it does nothing to
actually dissolve the barriers between people. Here is where old-fashioned
communications skills still count.
We are in great haste to construct a magnetic telegraph from Maine
to Texas; but Maine and Texas, it may be, have nothing important to
communicate.
Henry David Thoreau, Walden
Q:
There's a woman I see every morning on the bus, riding to work. We always say
hello, and sometimes even get into short conversations. I think she enjoys my
company, and I finally worked up the courage to slip a humorous "friendship"
greeting card into her hand last week. The following morning she had a twinkle
in her eye, but otherwise treated me just the same. Since then, nothing much
has changed - we still say hello on the bus and sometimes talk a bit longer
there. What do I do?
A:
You've given it your best shot, fellow. If she wants anything deeper than a
casual on-the-go relationship, it's up to her. Continue to make her morning
commute pleasant and even share a few laughs now and then.
Q:
Is it all right to share the costs of a date, to "go dutch"?
A:
You can confidently expect to pay for the first couple of dates. After
that, the payment arrangements may be worked out by consensus.
Q:
I just "invested" $60 taking this woman out to a show and treating
her to a dinner in an upscale restaurant. I think I'm entitled to be
treated nicely afterward, in fact, I insist on it.
A:
You are entitled to exactly nothing. Dating is a craps shoot at
best, and a woman, any woman, always has the right to say no at
any point in a relationship. Insisting on your "prerogatives" could get
you slapped with a rape charge, which you would, in fact, richly deserve.
Q:
I'm not the classic macho type that women reputedly respond to.
Would I attract more women if I learned the moves and 'faked it'?
A: Do you look forward to "faking it," to acting out a role for the rest of your life? How would you feel if a woman actually did fall in love with your masquerade, your false front, rather than with the real person inside you?
This is a variant on the age-old question of why many women seem to
prefer "heels" to "nice" guys. That particular
issue is dealt with in more detail in The Romantic
Predator sidebar and elsewhere.
Q:
The woman I'm with likes me a lot as a friend and confidante, but
she seems haunted by memories of her previous abusive boyfriend. She
says I'm just too nice for her to think of me as a romantic partner.
Maybe she doesn't consider me enough of a "real man" to take seriously.
A:
This woman has a big problem. She's attracted to abusive men, so-called
"alpha males." The bad news is that you can't fix this. The
good news is that it's not your job. Find another girlfriend.
Q:
I have a couple of platonic friendships with women, just as HMW
recommends ("Just Friends"). While
these relationships are a comfort at times and often do help relieve my
loneliness, I can't help feeling they are holding me back from finding
a woman I can be passionate with. I seem to be stuck in a rut.
A:
Getting stuck in a rut is a common human dilemma. It's all too easy to
settle into a comforting, but unproductive behavior pattern, whether
it be drinking, watching television, or just plain wasting time with
acquaintances. Your platonic relationships are not the problem, it's
your own inertia that is holding you back. Do something to shake
up your social life - go out and meet more people, place a personal ad,
go folk dancing. At the same time, continue cultivating your existing
relationships.
Q:
Every woman I'm attracted to turns out to have a boyfriend already . I'm
in my early 20's and sometimes it feels like there must be three single
guys for every eligible woman out there.
A:
The 20's truly can be a difficult time for men. There seem to be more
eligible men than women . . . But, toward the late 30's and into the 40's,
the "balance of power" shifts dramatically. Now, single men have become
a hot item, and women of that age are starting to get desperate. Enlarge
your horizons and try dating older women.
Q:
I can't seem to find the right woman. They're either too young, too old,
not good-looking enough . . .
A: If you find a woman who shares your beliefs and values, who enjoys talking with and listening to you, who can share laughter with you, and who is capable of loving you - what more do you want? If you find this in a woman who is 10 or 15 years older than you, and you turn her down because of the age difference, then you can continue to dwell in the bitterly cold realm of unrealistic expectations and unfulfilled dreams.
Obviously, there are some things you can't compromise on - values
(honesty, integrity, honor), a minimum level of intelligence, and a
willingness to accept you as you are. Pretty much everything else - age,
cultural background, physical appearance - is negotiable.
Q:
How will I know she's the right one for me?
A:
You might just as well ask, "How will she know you're the right
one for her?"? A relationship is a partnership, and if things "click",
you'll both know it (though not necessarily at the same time). Be patient,
sometimes it takes months or even years to get to that point.
Q:
The woman I've been going with can't seem to decide between me and
another guy. What can I do to become the sole object of her affections?
A:
Help her decide. Drop her like a hot potato.
Q:
There's this woman I just can't live without. We know each other only
casually, but just seeing her face in the distance inflames me, drives me
wild. I don't even know what she thinks of me, but I fear I've already
slipped over the edge - I'm totally, madly in love with her. What can
I do?
A:
Nothing . . . except displaying some common sense and self-discipline.
Yes, you can live without her (and quite well, too). Pining away
for a woman you scarcely know is ridiculous, the plot of a bad gothic
novel. Absolutely, you will survive the experience, and, years later,
laugh at yourself.
Q:
The woman I'm involved with can't seem to take me seriously in a
romantic way. She says I remind her more of a younger brother than
a lover. What can I do to excite her passion for me?
A:
It's possible that the timing is wrong in this relationship, that
you're not in a period of your life where you can sustain a passionate
relationship with this particular woman. Then again, maybe she's not
the right one for you. In any case, your best option might be to accept
a platonic relationship with her and to seek passionate fulfillment
elsewhere.
Q:
This woman I've been going with for a couple of months drives
me crazy. She's moody, alternately hot and cold, sometimes loving,
sometimes distant. Maybe she's just not yet sure how she feels about
me, but I have a hard time dealing with it. Will her behavior toward
me stabilize after our relationship gets on a firmer footing?
A:
You can confidently expect her to continue to drive you crazy for as
long as you remain with her. Yes, people are capable of changing, but
as a practical matter only a very few actually do.
Q:
I'm totally gone for this woman, but she seems to be just toying
with me. Sometimes she's affectionate, other times she treats me like
dirt. Is there anything I can I do to make her love me, or am I wasting
my time?
A:
Turn around, walk away, and don't look back.
Q:
If a women does not respond to my overtures within a reasonable period
of time, should I "cut my losses" and just walk away?
A: Essentially, yes. You've been patient, very patient, but still she does not return your affections, and she's made it very clear that she does not feel the same way about you that you feel about her. It's an unbalanced relationship and an unproductive situation.
Somewhere out there, a loving woman is waiting for you to find her,
and meanwhile here you are running after someone who is dwindling in
the distance. Stop wasting your time.
Q:
I must be hooked up with a "Rules" woman. She expects me to
take the initiative all the time, but seldom shows me any affection in
return. I guess I'm supposed to treat her like a queen, and for what?
Her idea of a relationship is for me to be her lapdog.
A: A few years back, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider wrote The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. The book counsels playing "hard to get" and using other manipulatory and underhanded strategems as a means of getting a marriage proposal. Naturally, it sold a zillion copies, no mean feat considering that the entire book could have been condensed into a 5-page pamphlet without any loss of essential content. All the same, the success of "The Rules" is inspirational. It demonstrates that literally anyone can produce a bestseller. You don't need talent, writing skill, or even much of anything to say.
So, kiddo, what should you do about your uncomfortable situation? Just use common sense. With so many other fine women out there, why waste your time on this turkey?
The Rule for HMW readers:
If she's playing games with you, dump her. Immediately.
Q:
Why do I feel my life will end if she does not return my affections and
love me?
A: So, you need a relationship, someone loving you to find validation as a person, to give meaning to your life? You have so little sense of self-worth that your life is empty without someone to love?
The problem here is not your lack of a mate or lover, but your own
feelings about yourself. Work on healing the hurt inside you, on
becoming a healthy person, a whole person . . . rather than on
seeking completion from a girlfriend. As you have already discovered,
women are not attracted to you in your desperate hour of need. They
sense the bleeding wound within you and run away.
Q:
Just what do women want (in a relationship)?
A:
While it's dangerous to generalize, some women have unrealistic, even
fantasy-based expectations of what a relationship should be. On the
one hand, they dream of a strong, dominant man who will "sweep them off
their feet", and yet they want, they crave a warm, sensitive, caring
lover who fulfills their emotional needs. To call this a contradiction
is something of an understatement.
A:
Underneath it all, behind the veil of illusions and the clutter of
everyday life . . . a woman wants someone to complete her, to fill the
empty spaces, to listen and to care, to heal her loneliness. She wants
to be appreciated, to receive strength, emotional support, and warmth. She
wants someone to share her life with. She wants someone to care for and
to love.
Q:
Are men and women really all that different?
A:
There are subtle, yet profound differences in the way men and women think.
Consider, for example, that women are emotional in certain areas where
men are logical, and vice versa. This leads to misunderstandings
and worse, yet it is certainly possible to bridge the communications
gap with enough patience, and yes, love.
Q:
I'm not at all shy and have no problem meeting and forming relationships with
women. Why should I read HMW?
A:
A careful reading of this book will give you a better understanding of
the dynamics of man/woman relationships. This could help you form deeper
and more meaningful attachments with the women that you allegedly have
no problem meeting.
Q:
Could women benefit from reading HMW?
A:
Definitely. Much of the advice in HMW is not gender-specific, and women
(shy or otherwise) could learn quite a bit about how a shy man thinks
and feels. For those women specifically attracted to shy men, HMW gives
valuable insights on how to reach out to a man who is too shy to make
the first move.
Q:
The author seems to jumble up fact with (his own) opinion in this book.
How do I separate the two?
A:
When it comes to relationships, it's all opinion. Looking at
it another way, everything the reader agrees with is fact, and
everything else is opinion.
Q:
Can social relationships be "hacked", played with and manipulated in
the same sense that computer hardware and code may be?
A:
To a surprising extent, yes. Remember, though, that people are just a bit more
complex than video games, and that you're dealing with real live human beings
here, women who suffer when hurt, just like you.
Q:
I'm a complete "klutz" when it comes to relating to people. If
I study the advice in this book and work hard at becoming more "social",
at what point will I be ready to form relationships with women?
A:
If you take to heart the lessons of "HOW-2 Meet Women", and of
life, and gradually learn social skills - then at some point you will pass
an almost imperceptible dividing line or threshold. Relating to people
in general, and to women in particular will become almost intuitive,
if still tricky at times. It is a long and difficult road, and may well
require more patience and determination than you think yourself capable
of. If you are truly serious about it, though, you will make it your
life's work. And triumph.