What Those "Code Words" in Personal Ads Really Mean


EUPHEMISM                       TRANSLATION
____________________________    ________________________________________________
40ish                           52 and looking for 25-year old
Affectionate                    Needy, and looking for mother figure
Aging child                     Self-centered adult
Ambitious                       Ruthlessly exploits people
Appreciates quality             But expects someone else to pay for it
Artist                          Unreliable
Athletic                        Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Beautiful                       Spends a lot of time in front of mirrors
Disease-free                    Up to date on mumps vaccinations
Down to earth                   Petty and vindictive
Educated                        Will always treat you like an idiot
Elegant                         Dripping with costume jewelry
Employed                        Part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoy life's pleasures          Overindulged, spoiled brat
Enjoy long walks                Car has been repossessed
Enjoy moonlit nights            Can't pay the electric bill
Excited about life's journey    No concept of reality
Expressive                      Being sued for libel
Fashionably thin                Emaciated, with sharply jutting hipbones
Financially secure              Has $5 in the bank
Flexible                        Desperate
Free Spirit                     Substance abuser
Friendship first                As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun                             Good with a remote and a six pack
Fun-loving                      Expects to be entertained
Gentle                          Comatose
Good sense of humor             Watches a lot of television
Gourmet cook                    Can just about manage microwaving frozen dinners
High standards                  Blind to own flaws, unforgiving of others'
Honest                          Pathological liar
Independently wealthy           Owns millions of worthless dotcom options
Internet entrepreneur           Big-time spammer
Intuitive                       Your opinion doesn't count
Irreverent                      Nasty and lacking basic social skills
Life of the party               Poor impulse control
Likes to cuddle                 Insecure, overly dependent
Marriage minded                 A bigamist
Moody                           Manic-depressive
Nontraditional                  Ex-wife lives in the basement
Old-fashioned                   Lights out, missionary position only
Openminded                      Desperate
Outgoing                        Loud
Passionate                      Loud
Perfect                         Has mastered the art of self-delusion
Physically fit                  Still breathing
Poet                            Boring manic-depressive
Professional                    Owns a white button-down
Reliable                        Shows up on time, give or take 3 hours
Resourceful                     Calls the super to fix a leaky faucet
Self-employed                   Jobless
Sophisticated                   Spends afternoons at Woolworth's perfume counter
Soulful                         Quiet manic-depressive
Spiritual                       Involved with a cult
Spiritually evolved             Subject to delusions and fainting spells
Spontaneous                     Picks his nose at traffic lights
Spontaneous/Eclectic            Scatterbrained
Stable                          Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Stylish                         Slave to every fad that comes down the pike
Successful                      Won $10 in the lottery once
Sultry/Sensual                  Easy
Swarthy                         Sweaty even when cold or standing still
Thoughtful                      Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Unaffected and earthy           Slob and lacking basic social skills
Uninhibited                     Lacking basic social skills
Very human                      Quasimodo's best friend
Wants Soulmate                  One step away from stalking
Writer                          Once scribbled on a bathroom stall 
Youthful                        Over 40, and trying to deny it


Courtesy 'nix Fortune Cookies, Net folklore, and the author's twisted sense of humor


BACK TO CHAPTER 7