Patent Number	Title	Summary
5443036	Method of exercising a cat	In 1993 the USPTO issued this patent for using a laser pointer to exercise a cat (yes, by moving the laser pointer beam around and having the cat chase it). Come on now... Not only is this crazy to patent, but this idea had surely been thought of long before this patent came about. In fact, a bit of research turned up the book "One Hundred and Eighty-Seven Ways to Amuse a Bored Cat" (Ballantine Books; May, 1982) that describes the exact same idea, but using a flashlight. Sorry guys -- the use of a laser pointer for the same thing is obvious.
6837185	Religious Meditation Apparatus	A bird feeder shaped like a church, so that you can watch the birds as you pray.
6826983	Light Bulb Changer	How many machines does it take to change a light bulb? Come on now, who is going to buy a machine, that looks like it weighs 100 pounds and costs plenty, to change light bulbs. How would one even get this contraption up to a light bulb?
6752088	Eating counter apparatus for mobile vending vehicle	This guy must have been sitting around with a hotdog cart, a park bench, and a welding torch, and decided he needed to patent something using only these three things.
6745394	Ballistic resistant body covering	From the picture, one would guess that this is a super hero costume which purports to protect the wearer from bullets. All I can do here is to pray for the test engineers. Good luck pals.
6739074	Tamper Resistant Institutional Shoe And Method	A shoe with a transparent sole to prevent concealing contraband. Don't laugh just yet -- these might be required on planes soon!
6725510	Inclining coffin	I'm not sure why anyone wants a dead person sitting upright, but even the person who patented this says it is spooky.
6718554	Hands free towel carrying system	A towel with a neck loop. Seriously -- that's all it is. And it took until 2004 to patent such a thing. I wonder what other amazing inventions remain to be discovered???
6711769	Pillow with retractable umbrella	A pillow, with a built-in umbrella to protect the user from the sun. Somehow the idea of having a tanned body and a ghostly white head doesn't appeal to me, but whatever floats your boat.
6659880	Chin Putter	The funny thing about this is that I think the authors take it seriously it does not seem to be a novelty item.
6650315	Mouse device with a built-in printer	The title is pretty self-explanatory. Yes, it takes very small paper. Maybe it could serve as a label maker -- that's about all I can think of.
6637447	Beerbrella	Keeps the sun off your beer (no, I am not kidding). One would think that those little insulating sleeves would be much more effective, but perhaps they were worried about their beer getting sunburned.
6557994	Stud Spectacles	Eyeglasses that don't need a frame because they attach to body piercings on the face. Yeah
6368227	Method of swinging on a swing	So these fools think that in all the years of swinging no one has ever before thought to pull on the opposite chains and swing form side to side? Well, I guess they got the PTO to issue the patent, so I'm not sure who the fool really is... But, even so, what do these guys expect to do with this anyway? Are they going to go around and collect royalties from kids on the playground?
6293874	User-operated amusement apparatus for kicking the user's buttocks	I'm not sure if this is a comedy prop or what. I do know one thing however: someone has a lot of time on their hands.
6125480	Vehicle mounted toilet seat	Being a bit of a outdoorsman I would like to give the creator of the Vehicle mounted toilet seat a bit of advice, people who go into the woods don't mind going to the bathroom in the woods. This guy just took a toilet seat, which has been around for a while, and strapped it on the back of a car.
6035447	Halloween Mask with Flash Device	This guy took a Halloween mask, strapped a light on it and called it a new invention. I know that Halloween is a relatively new holiday compared to some of the others, but I do recall seeing glowing masks well before this patent existed. In fact, I had a Jason mask that glowed when you pushed a button. I bet I know the next patent this guy submitted. He took a tree and stuck some lights and decorations on them and called it a "Christmas Tree." Pure genius.
5971829	Motorized ice cream cone	I am usually a proponent of anything that allows me to do less work, but everyone knows that the best part of eating an ice cream cone is eating the cone and ice cream at the end!
5970981	Mouthguard made at least partially from an edible candy	A mouth guard made from gummy candy... Maybe this guy is a dentist who wants to promote tooth decay to help his business.
5901666	Pet display clothing	A wearable Habitrail! This is a system of tubes that you can wear around, while your hamster crawls around in them. I have yet to see anyone wearing this, so I am guessing that it wasn't a smashing success at the pet stores (or clothing stores?).
5878931	Halloween Backpack	A backpack that dispenses candy! I'm sure this will be a hot seller at Walmart.
5787895	Kissing Shield	"The present invention proposes a method and device in which a flexible membrane is used as a kissing shield to lessen one's chances of becoming infected by disease from casual contact." Yeah, and it's very romantic too. These must be hot items on the bar scene.
5678617	Method and apparatus for making a drink hop along a bar or counter	This is essentially the same as the fountains that Disney has at Epcot -- controlled streams of water designed to look like that are "jumping" (in this case, into a beer glass). But hey, this probalby IS amusing when you are drunk!
5593398	Protective underwear with malodorous flatus filter	An air freshener system for your drawers. Right. I can understand how an untimely fart in a professional or romantic situation could be embarrassing, but I think its time to practice what we big-boys call self-control. If this isn't an option perhaps it's time to see a doctor.
5491007	Carvable Artificial Pumpkin and Method	Who ever said creativity is dead in America? No one who knows the patenter of the Carvable Artificial Pumpkin. This guy took a hollow Styrofoam ball (that may or may not be painted orange) and called it a new invention. Somehow this reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit with Dan Akroyd playing the crazy defective toy maker. I can just see this product coming with a big butcher's knife for the carving and maybe a bag of glass and nails for this kids to play with.
5265827	Paddle Wheel Plane	Does this thing really fly??? I'd be amazed.
5175571	Subliminal Glasses	Glasses that project subliminal images? They claim to ge a possible aid for everything from quitting smoking, stopping drug and alcohol abuse, and learning. Yeah, because the submliminal tapes that are available work so well
4858627	Smokers Hat	A hat with an air intake, which filters and then expels the air. Looks pretty much like wearing the exhaust hood for a stove on your head.
4553748	Electrostatically Enhanced Game	Unless you take some pleasure out of being shocked or shocking someone else, the Electrostatically Enhanced Game is not for you. I personally could find some joy in shocking my buddy while beating him at Madden, but unfortunately I don't think this is an original invention. I seem to recall a James Bond flick that had a video game like that, and that's kind of sad ripping off Bond.
4524471	Power Operated Separable Beds and Support Therefore	Again we see that American ingenuity is still running strong.  Really all this guy did was get two beds and put them on a track that lets you move them.  While I appreciate the touch of a button convenience, is it that hard to sleep next to someone?  Besides we all know that its not going to get you out of cuddling.
4455816	Tricycle Lawnmower	No, you aren't misreading anything. This really is a child's tricyle with a lawnmower attached. Real safe, eh?
4432545	Non-lethal cock fighting system	Cock fighting is illegal in the US (except for Louisiana and 1 other state as one of our readers has pointed out). So, these geniuses probably just drew attention to the fact that they are breaking the law. While this is a ridiculous patent, it did give me a idea for my next patent: A Kangaroo Kickboxing Kit.
4344424	Anti-Eating Mouth Cage	Just think Hannibal Lecter
4300473	Device For Moistening The Adhesive Coating On Postage Stamps and Envelopes	Describes a device containing an applicator to moisten stamps. Check out this quote: "The applicator may be in the form of a human tongue" Boy, that's novel.
4233942	Animal Ear Protection	A device for protecting the ears of animals, especially long-haired dogs, from becoming soiled by the animal's food while the animal is eating. Ok, your pet might look better without dirty hair, but it's going to look pretty dumb wearing this thing.