The first time, the very first time you meet her is a dizzying headlong plunge into the dark unknown, with your eyes clenched tightly shut and hardly daring to breathe. Can this really be happening? Is it the beginning of a meaningful relationship, something that will change the course of my life? Or am I wasting my time with a woman totally unsuited for me? Is this a catastrophic blunder, something that could turn into a nightmare? How can I know? How can I possibly be sure?


There allegedly exist techniques for "reading" people, for getting a "quick take" on them within the first few minutes of an initial encounter. Likewise, some claim to have a special talent for instantly assessing the persons they meet. This might be something of an exaggeration, but at the bottom of it there lies a nugget of truth.

Taxi drivers, waitresses, salesmen - those who, in the course of their work constantly come into contact with the "unwashed masses", by necessity develop the skills for sizing up people at a glance. It might indeed be a wise investment of time to take a temporary or part-time job that would put you in the situation of having to deal with people face-to-face. Note, in passing, that the formal study of psychology fails to deliver on its promises - it provides precious little insight into personality types and motivations, and yields virtually nothing of any practical value for dealing with people in real life.


You must be comfortable enough in a social setting to take a step back, to detach yourself emotionally, to function as an uninvolved, objective observer. Look past superficial physical appearance, disregard visceral reactions to a pretty face and provocative curves. Critically important is careful fact gathering and analysis, and this means ice-cold clarity of thought and steely objectivity. Observe the facial expressions and body language, particularly the posture and muscle tension, the set of the mouth, and the eyes, the windows of the soul. Sense the movements and changes in the lines of the face and its features, particularly the forehead, the eyebrows, and the lips. Read the signals, tune in on the subtle nonverbal cues. From there, proceed to listening to and interpreting what the woman says and how she says it, her tone of voice and gestures. Listen as well to your own experience and that exquisitely sensitive intuitive judgment of people that you have so carefully nurtured. Develop an empathy for the woman and let it deepen to the point where it becomes mimesis, where you share her feelings and tune in to her intentions. Blur the barriers between you.

There are two basic techniques for figuring out "what people are about". The active or invasive method involves deliberately probing and provoking people to get a reaction, or more subtly, just giving 'cues', and seeing how they respond. Simply asking questions works, too, though this must be done with a degree of finesse. Then, there is the passive method, which uses awareness and focused attention (social sonar), rather than more intrusive techniques of "reading" people. Sharp-eyed observation, gathering impressions, and using logic, judgment, and intuition may be sufficient in many cases to do a "quick-and-dirty" person analysis, or even more... Just as a skilled artist can seemingly capture the essence of a person in a glance and preserve it in a pencil sketch, so can you cultivate a similar artistic sensibility.

Meter Face

Upon meeting a person, immediately take a snapshot of her, a fuzzy first approximation. As you become better acquainted, fine tune that judgment into a second approximation, a somewhat more accurate overview, as the picture gradually comes into sharper focus. This could further evolve into an elaborate structure, a multicolored mosaic representing your experiences with her, as you slowly assemble the missing clues to what she is about, one small piece at a time. As your relationship unfolds, you can explore the deeper, more subtle aspects of her personality, and get to know her quite well indeed.


Constellations of character traits
{Some arbitrary categories into which humans tend to be classified}

Dishonesty / faithlessness <-------> Integrity / trustworthiness
Foolishness
<-------> Intelligence / good sense
Fearfulness
<------> Boldness
(caution, conventionality ................. willingness to take risks)
Cold-bloodedness <------->: Passion
Indifference
<-------> Expressiveness / warmth
Selfishness
<-------> Generosity
Hedonistic / pleasure oriented
<-------> Hard-working
Passive
<-------> Active
"Weak"
<-------> "Strong"

Define your own categories, as appropriate to your requirements, and to the particular situation.


Personality Scale
A simulated composite rendering of some selected character traits.




Combining discrete character traits into an overall profile of a personality structure is an art form in itself, something that psychological professionals attempt and consistently fail at. Personalities do not readily fall into neat pigeonholes, nor do they fit standard templates, and the complexity of human behavior defeats all efforts to explain or categorize it. It is likewise impossible to accurately measure, analyze, or even fathom a human being, and "reading" people is at best only a very crude modeling tool for getting a "quick take" on someone you have just met. Use this technique with extreme caution, and a healthy dose of skepticism, because, as the saying goes, "your mileage may vary".

All models are wrong. Some models are useful.
George Box

A woman, meeting you for the first time, has an agenda. It may be a relatively benign one - looking for someone nice to talk to, seeking companionship, even love (someone to fill the empty space in her heart). Less commonly, she might have more sinister motives - looking for someone to exploit or to take out her anger on. In any case, she would certainly be interested in your agenda, in your intentions and desires. The marvelously intricate process of exchanging tidbits of personal information, of feeding one another snippets of feelings and patchwork fragments of experience - this is what can make a first meeting so rewarding.


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