Resources



Internet


Relationship Links

Cupids Network
SingleSites.com
Singlesstop

The PeopleNet DisAbility DateNet Home Page
Dating info for people with disabilities.


In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person.
Margaret Anderson



Advice

Advice is what we ask for
when we already know the answer
but wish we didn't.

Erica Jong




Dating Advice for Geeks
Brenda gives down to earth advice for the lovelorn. The "Pathetic Series", about "dates from hell" and
"high school horrors" is, by itself, worth the price of admission.

Dating Advice
Brenda's other dating site.

Spring Street
Clever advice from a New Yorker on the subject of personal ads

Single's Coach
Nina Atwood, licensed therapist, answers questions and gives the kind of conventional, no-nonsense advice you would expect from a professional.

"Sex Tips For Geeks"
Eric ("esr") Raymond, übergeek and Linux guru, gives relationship advice.

alt.romance FAQ
Collected wisdom from the participants of the alt.romance newsgroup. Some of it actually is wise, some funny, some a crock.

The "involuntary celibacy" site
Much good advice for those who are celibate, but don't wish to remain so.

The Encyclopedia of Mental Health: Shyness
A somewhat technical essay containing useful tips, plus news about some clinical methods of dealing with shyness.


The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.
Oscar Wilde


Web Rings For Singles

Siren's Romance Ring
Singles OnLine Web Ring



Pen Pals

Penpal List Sites
Bonnie's Penpal Directory



The Letter Exchange
PO Box 2930
Santa Rosa, CA 95405

This well-run snailmail-based penpal club had been going strong for a decade and a half. Its purpose was long-distance friendship, not the forging of romantic bonds (though that had been known to happen). This organization would have been highly appropriate for single males learning to make and sustain conventional friendships with both men and women. Subscriptions were $22/year for 3 issues. The current issue would cost $9, and a sample back issue was $1. Answering ads was free, but there was a per word charge for placing them.

Obituary: The Letter Exchange printed its final issue in the fall of 2000, and totally shut down operations in March of 2001. It is truly unfortunate that this exceptional organization has shut down. There is still a place for a traditional by-mail penpal club, but what will take the place of this one?



Dating Services


Single Book Lovers
For literate persons who are lonely.

Any listings in this category have been included because they fill 'special needs' and seem reasonably priced. This is not a softening of the harsh criticism levied against for-pay dating services in Chapter 12, nor is it necessarily an endorsement of the products and services listed.




General Info

A Brief Guide to Social Newsgroups and Mailing Lists
Dave Taylor gives an extensive, if uncritical, rundown of the singles newsgroups and mailing lists.



Size Acceptance Organizations
(For admirers of fat women)

ISAA
NAAFA





Other Resources


Folk Dancing

Folk Dance Association



Literature

Allen, Jeff, Quickstart to Social Dancing, QQS Publications, 1998, ISBN 0-965-44231-4, $19.95.
A gentle introduction to the art of social dancing. Note that the actual learning experience necessarily still takes place on the dance floor.

Anderson, Robert, Tea and Sympathy.
Controversial play about the difficult coming-of-age of a boy who is scorned by his peers for being "unmasculine," and the efforts of a sympathetic older woman to help him overcome his self-loathing. The movie version dilutes the effect, despite some excellent performances.
"When you speak of this, and you will, please be kind."

Balzac, Splendeurs et Misères des Courtesanes [Scenes From a Courtesan's Life]. [Out of print]
Written by the master of the French romance, this one is available on-line in an English translation from Project Gutenberg. Gives a perceptive and humorous view of the intrigues and amours in the haute monde, not to mention a fine characterization of one of the most memorable villains in all of literature.

Berman, Morris, The Reenchantment of the World, Bantam Books, 1984, ISBN 0-553-24171-0.
A new, or rather, ancient way of looking at consciousness and reality, and of our relationship to the world.

Brophy, Brigid, Flesh, 1962. [Out of print]
Heartwarming story of the love of two misfits.

Burdick, Eugene, The Ninth Wave, Houghton Mifflin Co., 1956. [out of print]
An astute analysis of human weakness. Deep down, are we all motivated by just anger and fear?

Byrd, Richard E., Alone, G.P. Putnam's Sons, 1938 (recently reprinted).
The arctic explorer's classic on the rigors of being alone, of relying fully on one's self. The definitive antidote to loneliness.

Cassidy, John and Rimbeaux, Waller: Juggling for the Complete Klutz / With Block Beanbags,
Klutz Press, 1994, ISBN 0-932-59200-7, $10.95.

Learn juggling, so you can impress people at parties and other social occasions.

Chasman, Deborah and Catherine Jhee: Here Lies My Heart, Essays on Why We Marry, Why We Don't, and What We Find There, Beacon Press, 1999, ISBN 0807062170, $15.00.
An anthology of essays by various authors on why men and women find living together so troublesome.

de la Clos, Les Liaisons Dangereuse [Dangerous Liaisons]. [out of print]
One of the earliest of the romantic novels, piercing and wickedly funny. If you can't get the book, see the movie, starring Glenn Close and John Malkovitch.

Conway, Flo and Jim Siegelman, Snapping (America's Epidemic of Sudden Personality Change), Dell, 1979, ISBN 0-440-57970-8. [Out of print]
How terribly vulnerable we are to brainwashing and manipulation.

Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly, FLOW: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Harper & Row, 1990.
A new look at that elusive quality, happiness.

Durrell, Lawrence, The Alexandria Quartet (Justine, Balthazar, Mountolive, Clea), 1957-60,
Penguin, 1991, ISBN 0-140-15317-9 [reissue].

The full spectrum of passion and its messy byproducts. Plot and counterplot. Exquisite writing.
"Who invented the human heart, I wonder. Tell me, and then show me the place where he was hanged."

Farmer, Philip José, The Lovers, Ballantine, 1961
[expanded from the original novelette in "Startling Stories", 1952].
[Out of print]
A strange twist to a man's love for a creature he believes is a woman.

Fowles, John, The Magus, Little, Brown & Co., 1965. [Out of print]
Why modern man is crippled in his capacity for love.

Hesse, Hermann, Narziß und Goldmund (Narcissus and Goldmund), 1930.
Set in medieval Europe, this is the story of two friends. One chooses the austere life of a scholar, the other the pursuit of passion and sensual pleasures.

Hesse, Hermann, Steppenwolf, 1927, S. Fischer Verlag AG, (English translation reissued 1990 by Henry Holt, ISBN 0805012478).
" . . . the images of many women floated by me with an unearthly fragrance like moist sea flowers on the surface of the water, women whom I had loved, desired and sung, whose love I had seldom won and seldom striven to win."

Hillman, James, The Soul's Code, In Search of Character and Calling, Random House, 1996, ISBN 0-679-44522-6.
A brilliant meditation on how fate affects our lives, and on how to fulfill our destiny with dignity.

Lanier, Sidney, his poetry, especially "The Marshes of Glynn".
Sensuous imagery, just right for reading aloud to your lover. Available on-line from Project Gutenberg.

Lawrence, D.H., Women In Love.
Why women love us, and do they really?
Also see the excellent Ken Russell movie, with Glenda Jackson's memorable performance.

Lefkowitz, Bernard, Our Guys, Univ. Of California Press, 1997, ISBN 0-965-059496.
The depravity of middle-class "jock" culture. Why predatory males are idealized.

LeGuin, Ursula, The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas (short story).
The extravagant price people are willing to pay for the good life.

Mann, Thomas, Joseph and His Brothers [Joseph und seine Brüder], vol. 3, Alfred A. Knopf, 1938. [out of print]
The classic tale of female obsession, biblical style. The mad lust of Potiphar's wife.

Mackay, Charles, Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds,
Richard Bentley, 1841 [reprinted in 1932 and after by L.C. Page & Co.].

Also available on-line from Project Gutenberg.
Still the definitive work on group psychology and mass mania.

Maugham, W. Somerset, Of Human Bondage.
Available on-line from Project Gutenberg.
The classic about obsessive love, and what it takes to heal from it.

McIntosh, J.T., Snow White and the Giants, Avon, 1968. [out of print]
Otherwise mediocre SF novel that makes fascinating speculations about the knack of getting women to fall hard.

McKenna, Richard, "Hunter, Come Home", novelette (published in A Century of Great Short Science Fiction, Dell, 1965. [out of print]
On the meaning of masculinity, courage . . . and sensitivity and tenderness.

Mountain Dreamer, Oriah, The Invitation, HarperCollins, 1999, ISBN 0-06-251585-3.
Communicating with others, and the journey to self-acceptance.

Mumey, Jack and Cynthia Tinsley, Age Difference Relationships: Finding Happiness With an Older or Younger Love, Fairview Press, 1993, ISBN 0-925-19065-9.

Nelms, Henning, Thinking With a Pencil, Ten Speed Press, 1981, ISBN 0-89815-052-3. [out of print]
Learning the venerable of art of drawing for the purpose of entertaining others at social events, and to see things from a different perspective.

Ostrander, Sheila and Lynn Schroeder, Superlearning, Delacorte, 1979, ISBN 0-440-08354-0.
Developing human potential through classical music. Anticipated The Mozart Effect.

Pickow, Peter and Jason Shulman, Play Harmonica : Master the Basics from the Beginning to Advanced Techniques, 1997, Music Sales Corp, ISBN 0-825-61594-1.
Learn to play this popular instrument, so you will attract favorable attention at parties.

Rimbaud, Arthur, Le Bateau Ivre (The Drunken Boat), poem.
A delirious fantasy of the senses by a late-Nineteenth-Century sensualist.

Sheckley, Robert, "The Language of Love", short story, (first published in Galaxy magazine, 1957).
Obsessing on the mechanics of love leads to a dead end.

Stendhal, The Scarlet and the Black.
Available on-line (in French) from Project Gutenberg.
Counterpoint to Balzac, and possibly even better. Young man, making his way in the world, brought down by a grand passion.

Stevens, Wallace, his poetry, especially Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird and
The Emperor of Ice Cream.

Sturgeon, Theodore, Baby, It's You (short story, 1969). *
All the failed relationships that ever were, in a nutshell. Also, see the song of the same title, below.

Sturgeon, Theodore, It Wasn't Syzygy (SF, short story, 1948). *
On the dangers of defining yourself by the woman you love.

Sturgeon, Theodore, A Saucer of Loneliness (SF, short story, 1953). *
"There is in certain living souls
A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
So great it must be shared..."

Tolstoy, Leo, Anna Karenina.
Available on-line from Project Gutenberg.
Tragic obsessive love of an older woman for a younger man.

Trevanian, Shibumi, Ballantine Books, 1979, ISBN 0-345-28585-9. [out of print]
Well-written, but dated satirical espionage thriller. Makes some interesting points about the art of lovemaking.

Vance, Jack, Green Magic (novelette, 1963).
Available on-line at Infinity Plus.
Wizardry, seduction, and the importance of subtlety.

Vizinczey, Stephan, In Praise of Older Women, University of Chicago Press, 1990 (reprint), ISBN 0-226-85886-7.
A delightfully funny coming-of-age story that captures some essential truths about age difference relationships.

Wakefield, Dan, Scoring, Doubleday, 1972. [out of print]
Young Jewish boy on the make learns about life and love, yet still manages to laugh at himself.

Wilson, Richard, Mother to the World (award-winning SF novelette, 1968).
Sweet, low-key "end of the world" relationship between a caring man and a mildly retarded, but loving woman.

Wouk, Herman, Marjorie Morningstar, Little Brown & Co. (1992 reissue), ISBN 0-316-95513-2.
"Customs of courtship vary greatly in different times and places, but the way the thing happens to be done here and now always seems the only natural way to do it."

Wylie, Philip, The Disappearance, Pocket Books, 1958. [out of print]
What would happen to men if all the women in the world suddenly disappeared, and to women without the men?



* Collected in E Pluribus Unicorn, which, like the rest of Sturgeon's works, has been out of print for decades. North Atlantic Books is in the process of reprinting his stories in a proposed 10 volume set.



Film

American Gigolo (Paul Schrader, starring Richard Gere)
Ostensibly about the sleazy world of a male "escort", nevertheless gives some insight into what women expect in a dream lover.

Annie Hall (Woody Allen)
Nice Jewish boy meets crazy, mixed-up shiksa.

Damage (Louis Malle)
Unbridled lust wreaks havoc.

Jules and Jim (Truffaut)
Your basic love triangle. Both funny and sad, in a touching sort of way.

Le Filou (The Pickpocket) [Robert Bresson]
You have to find yourself before you can find anyone else.

Marty (from the play by Paddy Chayefsky)
The classic about love between shy people. A "must see."

Play It Again, Sam (Woody Allen)
How not to be Humphrey Bogart.

Play Misty (Clint Eastwood)
A woman violently obsessed with the object of her desires. This predecessor to Fatal Attraction easily ranks as Eastwood's finest effort.

Room at the Top (Simone Signoret, Lawrence Harvey)
Upwardly striving guy abandons his true love for a rich girl. From the book by John Braine.

Shadowlands (Anthony Hopkins, Debra Winger)
Shy writer C.S. Lewis and his tragic love for the brash Joy Gresham.

A Taste of Honey (Rita Tushingham)
Tender yearning, not quite love.

The Touch [Berörungen] (Ingmar Bergman)
Obsessive passion destroys a woman's life.




Software

Man Enough, by Tsunami / Time Warner [no longer available for retail sale]

"Here's the deal. Five women . . . and you.
They want it all: conversation, adventure and style."

Written by a TV weatherman, this computer game allegedly tests conversational skills in dating/mating situations. As a period piece of pop culture schlock, it regurgitates all the prevalent stereotypes and clichés.

"Pasta is quite sensual."
"On her own terms..."
"Waited sooo long..."

If you can find it at a yard sale, it's probably worth a dollar or two, if only for laughs.



Art

Art is not a mirror held up to reality
But a hammer with which to shape it.

Bertolt Brecht


The Kiss, by Auguste Rodin
Inspiring generations of lovers, this sculpture-in-bronze expresses the power and the beauty of joining one's heart and soul to another. On display at the Museé Rodin in Paris, and on-line at Carol Gerten's page.



Music

Music heard so deeply
That it is not heard at all,
But you are the music
While the music lasts

T.S. Eliot, "The Dry Salvages"





Pachelbel's Canon
Overused, but still everybody's favorite.

Franz Biber's Sonata à Sept
Hypnotically simple, yet charming.

Charpentier's Te Deum
Liturgical, but utterly moving and magnificently sensual all the same.

Rameau's Gavotte and Variations
One of the two most sensuous harpsichord pieces ever written.

Padre Antonio Soler's Fandango Suite
The other one of the two most sensuous harpsichord pieces ever written.

The Wedge, from J.S. Bach's Toccata in F
As played by Virgil Fox at the organ, it will set both you and your girlfriend on fire, guaranteed.

Schlummert Ein (Slumber Soft), from the Notebook of Anna Magdalena Bach,
by J.S. Bach, as sung by Elly Ameling, of course.

Finest known example of the art of the lullaby, and wonderful for singing your loved one to sleep.

Vivaldi's Gloria (RU 589 in D major)
Liturgical music, but uplifting, energizing, even sensual.

Vivaldi's Nullo in Mundo Pax Sincera
Achingly beautiful aria.

Au Fond du Temple Saint Duet, as sung by Jussi Björling and Robert Merrill
Goes down like honey.

Karl Orff's Carmina Burana
The ultimate in erotic music.


For opera buffs

Don Giovanni, by Mozart
Sublime music and even an interesting plot, but after a while you find yourself rooting for Leporello.

Les Histoires d'Hoffmann (Tales of Hoffmann), by Jacques Offenbach
Cutesy but topical libretto about a shy scholar pursuing love.

Liebestod (Love Death) from Tristan und Isolde, by Wagner
To die for, literally.

Madame Butterfly, by Puccini

Peleas et Melisande, by Debussy


And for something a bit more modern

Baby, It's You, by the Shirelles (1961)
The classiest of the '60's "girl groups."

Then He Kissed Me, The Crystals (1962?)
Another '60's "girl group" . . . ah nostalgia.

All Over The World, Françoise Hardy (1965)
Back then, she was the teenage boy's heartthrob (long blonde hair, thigh-high vinyl boots, and, oh, that voice).

Older Women Are Beautiful Lovers, sung by Ronnie McDowell, written by Jamie O'Hara (1981)
Unusual Country/Western, with very subversive lyrics.

Come Softly To Me, The Fleetwoods (1959)
S-l-o-w cheek-to-cheek dancing music, and daydream-inspiring to listen to.

Underneath the Mango Tree (1962)
Lyrics by Monty Norman, sung by Ursula Andress in the movie Dr. No.
Cute, oh-so cute calypso ditty.

At Seventeen, Janis Ian (1974)
Girls suffer heartbreak and loneliness, too.

Joan Baez, singing Diamonds and Rust

Judy Collins' masterful renditions of Leonard Cohen's Suzanne
and, of course, Buffy St. Marie's "Clouds"

Leonard Cohen's own Marianne

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, Roberta Flack (1972)
They don't sing them like this any more.

Marlene Dietrich, singing Lili Marlene
That husky voice evoking such world weariness . . .

Charles Aznavour's She
"Elle, peut etre la beauté ou la bete . . . "
Haunting music and lyrics, composed and sung by one of the best male singers of the age.


Information is not knowledge
Knowledge is not wisdom
Wisdom is not truth
Truth is not beauty
Beauty is not love
Love is not music
Music is the best.

Frank Zappa




Contents